A few years ago, I was blessed to be the best man at Crosstix’s wedding. As the best man, I was asked to make a speech. I jokingly threatened Crosstix one day to make the entire speech video game quotes. He laughed, and said to do it. Challenge accepted. Below is the actual speech I gave at his wedding. Be you a true gamer? See how many quotes you can recognize then. The key is at the bottom.

Hey! Listen![1] Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I’m a POTATO.[2] Well Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion[3] of this best man speech. You’re going to like me…you’re going to like me…did it work?[4]

Crosstix, a day with you is never dull.[5] Remember the old days when you could just slap omni-gel on everything? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said “Goodbye” and you were like “No way!”…That was great!”[6]

video game wedding cakeSit down, and I will tell you a tale like none that you have ever heard,[7] how Crosstix and Mrs. Crosstix first met. Kyle ran in and informed all the guys “the President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?”[8] Crosstix, you quickly replied “I’ll take care of it.”[9] I responded “I’ll do it! I’ll come with you and save my mom.” Sadly, James informed us that he used to be an adventurer like you, then he took an arrow to the knee.[10] A Proper Cry-baby Bunting![11] So we got the prismatic core online.[12] Phase Crystals charged.[13]  Here we go![14] As we set out you instructed “We stay as a team. None of that lone wolf stuff.[15] All of a sudden we are in a maze with twisty passages, all alike.[16] Then we saw something: “Why, that’s the second biggest monkey head I’ve ever seen!”[17] A guy overheard us and introduced himself as Drippy, Lord High Lord of the Fairies.[18] We rescued him he said “Thank you Mario. But your princess is in another castle.”[19] He then made us an offer though, “Let’s play money making game” he said.[20] Crosstix replied, “Apologies, but when you speak I feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one.”[21] Drippy then told us to “Leave your life or money.”[22] It was a Super-Duper-Mega-Bummer!”[23] “I’m looking for friends”[24] you explained. “I’ll show you where to find them”[25] he said.  “Neato! Thanks so much.”[26] “Onward seeing eye minion.”[27]

Then we finally found the ninjas, “Bummer dudes! It’s Shredder.”[28] Shredder said “Earth clan,[29]  as much as you’d like to jam your fist into my skull, optic surgery is best left to professionals.[30] The blue wizard is about to die.”[31]  Only then did we realize It’s a trap![32] The 10th enemy has the bomb![33] But we knew the right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.[34] Shredder yelled, “Finish Him!” [35] We charged in “my life for Aiur!”[36] Just then our radios crackled to life… “Snake?…SNAAAAAKE!”[37]  It was Mrs. Crosstix “Thor is here! Who called in the fleet? Need something blowed up?”[38] she asked. All of a sudden we heard- “Nuclear launch detected.”[39] She comforted us though: “Rest assured, that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence.”[40] Sonic Boom![41] Shredder screamed: “Pika peeeee!”[42] Killtacular![43] It’s super effective![44] As she got out of the battle cruiser you said to her “First of all, your beauty has captivated me! Second…I’m dying to know if I’m your type…I guess your…abilities…would be a distant third.”[45] “Hmm…I suppose a normal girl would have felt something from those words. But…not me…”[46] she responded. You tried another pick up line: “I will move your controller using only the power of my mind.”[47] The president then said “Hey dudes, thanks for rescuing me! Let’s go for a burger….ha! ha! ha!”[48] Then you both noticed me at 1 HP. “Where does it hurt?”[49] You asked. Struggling to breathe I explained “I tried to stand up to him, I did, and he turned me into a flipping doll…”[50] I will never forget what you said next. Leaning in you whispered “You have died of dysentery.”[51] I replied “Sorry, I am dead.”[52] Wait, that’s not how it happened.[53] I am error.[54]

game-valentine-tetrisWell, I’m commander Shepard, and this is my favorite wedding on the Citadel.”[55] The two of you have formed an excellent partnership; with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest[56]…*ahemCrosstix*.  Speaking of which, where is the Cake? I was told that there would be cake. [57] All the cake is gone. You don’t even care, do you?[58] The cake is a lie.[59] D-do you have any…hot dogs left?[60] Nom nom nom om nom![61]

We are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the Party Escort Submission Position; or you will miss the party.[62]

Crosstix here is a few final phrases that might help you in marriage. “Yes, my Lord? Work, work. Job’s done.”[63] “I don’t remember anything after I ate the lamp.[64] And when in doubt, just remind Mrs. Crosstix “All your base are belong to us.”[65]

In closing I would like to remind you that Area and state regulations do not allow the Companion Cube to remain here, alone and companionless.[66] It’s dangerous to go alone; take this![67] This is it. This…your story. It all begins here.[68] The merging is complete.[69] Congratulations. This story is happy end. Thank you.[70]

Congrats again Crosstix!

Game On!

 

 

 

Did you recognize all of the quotes?

[1] The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

[2] Portal 2

[3] Portal

[4] Final Fantasy VIII

[5] Final Fantasy X

[6] Portal

[7] Prince of Persia

[8] Bad Dudes

[9] Starcraft 2

[10] Skyrim

[11] Ni no Kuni

[12] Starcraft 2

[13] Starcraft 2

[14] Mario 64

[15] Halo: Reach

[16] Zork

[17] Secret of Monkey Island

[18] Ni No Kuni

[19] Super Mario Brothers

[20] Legend of Zelda

[21] Boarderlands 2

[22] Legend of Zelda

[23] Final Fantasy VIII

[24] Kingdom hearts

[25] Ni No Kuni

[26] Ni No Kuni

[27] Boarderlands 2

[28] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Manhattan Project

[29] Mass Effect

[30] Boarderlands 2

[31] Gauntlet II

[32] Starcraft 2

[33] Legend of Zelda

[34] Half-Life 2

[35] Mortl Kombat

[36] Starcraft 2

[37] Metal Gear Solid 2

[38] Starcraft 2

[39] Starcraft 2

[40] Portal

[41] Street Fighter II

[42] Super Smash Bros.

[43] Halo Series

[44] Pokemon Series

[45] Final Fantasy VI

[46] Final Fantasy VI

[47] Metal Gear Solid

[48] Bad Dudes

[49] Starcraft 2

[50] Ni No Kuni

[51] Oregon Trail

[52] Monster Party

[53] Prince of Persia: Sands of time

[54] Zelda II: Adventure of Link

[55] Mass Effect 2

[56] Portal 2

[57] Dragon Age

[58] Portal

[59] Portal

[60] Final Fantasy VIII

[61] Team Fortress 2

[62] Portal

[63] Warcraft II

[64] Mass Effect

[65] Zero Wing

[66] Portal

[67] The Legend of Zelda

[68] Final Fantasy X

[69] Starcraft 2

[70] Ghosts ‘N Goblins