I want to start with what I liked about Suicide Squad. The CGI and acting that made up Enchantress (played by Cara Delevingne) was pretty awesome. In fact, all the characters looked really great although seeing as how Enchantress was made up of a metric crap-ton of CGI on top of the costume and acting, she was who stood out.

Also, to echo what literally everyone else has been saying, Margot Robbie and Will Smith are good. Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn was great. She captured the character perfectly and I would be happy to see her continue the character. Will Smith didn’t really do that much to capture Deadshot. In fact, after seeing him in Concussion, I actually expected a lot more from Will Smith after hearing everyone’s praise of him in the movie but he was just kind of normal Will Smith. Turns out, though, normal Will Smith is pretty great Deadshot. Maybe not traditional Deadshot but he makes for an interesting take on the character nonetheless.

This is how you do supervillain costumes!

Aaaaaaaand, that’s it. Yep, that’s literally everything I enjoyed about Suicide Squad. Everything else was a raging trash fire with a fire engine right nearby but with no firefighters caring enough to do anything about it. I’ve never seen a movie so strangled by its crew before. The actors clearly cared a lot, particularly Margot Robbie, and they really gave it their all but someone or everyone in editing just couldn’t give a fuck and decided to trash the whole thing.

From the very beginning, something was clearly wrong with the movie. We start out with an introduction of three of the characters, Deadshot, Harley Quinn and (if I remember correctly) Killer Croc. We then cut to Amanda Waller (played meh-ly by the great Viola Davis) introducing the characters again, with the added bonus of El Diablo and Captain Boomerang. Immediately cut to Amanda Waller introducing the characters AGAIN in a different setting, this time adding Enchantress and Rick Flag into the mix. Some shit happens and then we get to hear the characters introduced YET AGAIN when they decide to mobilize the Suicide Squad. As if that weren’t enough, there are sprinklings of flashbacks throughout the second half of the movie that are supposed to provide additional backstory, I would guess, but really just recap the introductions we already heard four times.

But it’s all stylish, right? Like that great trailer showed us, the movie is all uber-stylized and so the plot/dialogue isn’t supposed to be great. Well, the CG people obviously thought so as they made these admittedly cool still-shots introducing the characters the first time they showed up. It’s too bad that the sound folks’ idea of stylized was throwing the soundtrack of Rock Band 2 over the first hour of the movie. No kidding, it’s as though they watched the movie in post and thought, “oh, this sucks. Maybe if we just throw some cool music playing constantly over the whole thing, nobody will notice. “WELL,  I NOTICED, HYPOTHETICAL SOUND-PERSON! I NOTICED!!

Amanda Waller gave one pretty cool introduction of a character and that’s of Killer Croc. She says, and I quote, “He looked like a monster so they treated him like a monster and he became a monster.” It’s a cool line that actually summarizes Killer Croc’s character and theme really well. It’s too bad that they required Mississippi Queen be played over the top of it in a way that said, “Get it? Get it? Because… he looks like a crocodile andandandand crocodiles come from Mississippi!” Waylon Jones, the real name of Killer Croc, is from Florida. Just for your information… dumbass…

You’d think that all of this would at least mean that the massive cast of Suicide Squad would be well understood, right? Haven’t you been paying attention this far? Of course the answer is no!

Suicide Squad Cast
Left to Right: Enchantress, El Diablo, Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Deadshot, Rick Flag, uhh…., Harley Quinn, and who the hell are you??

Yeah, that’s right. They just spent an hour introducing the same damn characters to you over and over again and they still managed to leave two of them out! At the last minute, we get two more characters added to the roster. The guy to the left of Harley is a real winner of a supervillain named Slipknot. I can only assume that the metal band named themselves after this dude who showed up a couple of times in Fury of Firestorm comics. Who wouldn’t want to name themselves after the guy with the incredible power to climb things real good!

Anyway, the chick on the right of Harley is much more recognizable to fans of the comics or even of the DC Television Universe (which you frankly should be watching over this terrible movie). That’s Katana, an awesome samurai who believes her husband is trapped in her sword so she kills fools with it. Actually, she’s a lot like Michonne from Walking Dead. Good in my book! It’s too bad they decided that this character, who deserves a much larger fanbase, didn’t need any introduction or motivation at all. In fact, she just follows the Suicide Squad around through the whole movie without ever really doing anything.

Is it dawning on anyone else that I’ve already written almost 900 words and haven’t even passed the introduction of the movie yet? Yeah, I honestly can’t explain all the many things I hated about this movie. I could go on for hours about it. Actually, I literally did do this after the movie. My wife asked me what I didn’t like about the movie and it took more than the hour-long drive home to explain all the many things.

To summarize, the plot is nonsensical and often contradicts itself; unless you are Harley Quinn, Deadshot, Rick Flag or El Diablo, you have no purpose in the squad beyond filler; the dialogue is ridiculous and incredibly un-funny (I laugh at everything and I didn’t laugh once throughout this entire film); the editing is awkward and the fight scenes are extremely difficult to follow even if they did make sense; there is no pay-off for anything that happens in the movie and Jared Leto’s Joker is just straight-up not good. (Sorry, Jared! I still love you!)

Suicide Squad wanted to be a stylish, quirky alternative to the ultra-grimdark movies DC has released so far. In this, it fails completely. It doesn’t go crazy enough to reach the heights of movies like Scott Pilgrim nor is it funny enough to compare to a movie like Ant-Man. At best, Suicide Squad is a forgettable entry in what is one of the worst franchises to ever grace the silver screen. At worst, Suicide Squad is one of the biggest wastes of two hours you can see.